One Year Ago Today: I Miss You.

One year ago, today, you left this world. I remember when my older brother, Andrew, called. I remember the way his voice cracked in pain when he told me. He told me first, and said we had to go tell the others. Our Mother, our younger brother, Mike, 21, and our younger sister Erin, 11 at the time. I was outside of a cafe. I rode my bike there and it wasn't warm. It wasn't cold either. But it was very gray and windy, and I'll never forget the way the air tasted that day.

A frantic sadness washed over me and the world around me spun. If I went back to that spot today, I think it would still be spinning. I waited for Andrew to pick me up, and called my ex-girlfriend who I hadn't talked to in 5 days, since we broke up. We were together for 2 and a half years. She didn't really know what to say to me, but she worried for me. The whole act was habit, but hearing her voice was almost as surreal as what I was feeling. Tears were not worth fighting. I must have looked crazy, breaking down like that in public. I don't even remember what the coffee tasted like or if I even finished it.

We went to my Mom's house. They were glad to see us, because they didn't know why we were there. But they could tell something was wrong. Saying it still sounded like a lie. "Dad's dead. He killed himself." Poor Erin. She's so damn young, and doesn't deserve to hear it... to know it, but she did. Too smart for her own good. And Mike... watching him was like watching a bottle overflow. Everything he kept in for so long finally pouring out of him. "God, I love you... I love you all, so much." And Andrew. The castle of strength, intelligence, confidence, responsibility, love, and rationality... crumbling. It hurt more to see how it affected them all individually, than it did to think of my own pain. My Mom... I think she saw it too. I held her so tight, the epitome of survival, maternal love, and genuine humanity, her feelings so natural.

The next few weeks were a blur. We all spent the time together in my Mom's house. Andrew had Amber, his girlfriend, and his 3 year old son Athan with him. Day after day went by and everything mercurial... The emotions were turbulent, causing perception to change a flow by the minute. At times we couldn't stay away from each other, and at times we walked around the house as if we never saw each other, lost in our thoughts. Lost. Found. Losing. Looking. Finding. And then, suddenly, we went back to our lives...

I know you knew what this felt like, Dad. I know you lost people you loved too. I'm not mad... I never was. I was mad at myself for letting the problems you were having affect me, and not stepping up to show my love. To spend some time with you. And I'm sorry for not answering the phone the few days before it happened. I think you left a message, but like most of the others I deleted them before listening. I hated hurting because you hurt, and I'm sorry... After you left, I called your phone for a while, just to hear your voice-mail. I might have even left a message, but I don't remember.

I know we didn't believe the same things, but if your own beliefs dictate what happens after the life has left your body, then I really hope you're in heaven. I know what that meant to you. And I hope you have the internet up there and that computers are simpler so you can find a way to read this.

It's been a long year, Dad, and I mostly just miss you. I don't grieve so much as I just want to tell you things. Since you left, Mike found a lost love once. Since you left, Erin has matured and been involved in just about every school activity imaginable. We're so proud of her. Since you left, Andrew and Amber got married. It was a great wedding but you probably would have thought Andrew was foolish. We wore kilts, your brother Tim played music at the reception, and I got really drunk and danced on a table. Since you left, your older brother also passed away. Since you left, your younger brother's wife left him. He has struggled so much, but we love him and keep pulling for him. Since you left, I met another girl, Hannah, and wish you could have met her. We moved in together, and I think she's the one. I know she would have made you smile and laugh and be proud of me. Since you left, we took some of your ashes up to Vail mountain. There's a lone pine tree on the back side at Game Creek Bowl. There are some of your ashes buried at the tree. I will meet you there this summer. Since you left, I had a film in the Denver Film Festival, and I wished you could have come. Since you left, Andrew and Amber had another baby boy, Alaka'i Reed Garst. I haven't met him yet, as of today he's only 3 days old. Since you left, you brought all of us closer and our love has grown. So, I hope you saw it all and that I'm telling you old news right now.

I think of you a lot. And I know you were proud of us all and loved us. But I didn't know if you knew it was mutual. But it was. Where ever your spirit may be, I hope it's quiet and relaxing, and just nice.

Your son,

Benjamin