One year ago, today, you left this world. I remember when my older brother, Andrew, called. I remember the way his voice cracked in pain when he told me. He told me first, and said we had to go tell the others. Our Mother, our younger brother, Mike, 21, and our younger sister Erin, 11 at the time. I was outside of a cafe. I rode my bike there and it wasn't warm. It wasn't cold either. But it was very gray and windy, and I'll never forget the way the air tasted that day.
A frantic sadness washed over me and the world around me spun. If I went back to that spot today, I think it would still be spinning. I waited for Andrew to pick me up, and called my ex-girlfriend who I hadn't talked to in 5 days, since we broke up. We were together for 2 and a half years. She didn't really know what to say to me, but she worried for me. The whole act was habit, but hearing her voice was almost as surreal as what I was feeling. Tears were not worth fighting. I must have looked crazy, breaking down like that in public. I don't even remember what the coffee tasted like or if I even finished it.
We went to my Mom's house. They were glad to see us, because they didn't know why we were there. But they could tell something was wrong. Saying it still sounded like a lie. "Dad's dead. He killed himself." Poor Erin. She's so damn young, and doesn't deserve to hear it... to know it, but she did. Too smart for her own good. And Mike... watching him was like watching a bottle overflow. Everything he kept in for so long finally pouring out of him. "God, I love you... I love you all, so much." And Andrew. The castle of strength, intelligence, confidence, responsibility, love, and rationality... crumbling. It hurt more to see how it affected them all individually, than it did to think of my own pain. My Mom... I think she saw it too. I held her so tight, the epitome of survival, maternal love, and genuine humanity, her feelings so natural.
The next few weeks were a blur. We all spent the time together in my Mom's house. Andrew had Amber, his girlfriend, and his 3 year old son Athan with him. Day after day went by and everything mercurial... The emotions were turbulent, causing perception to change a flow by the minute. At times we couldn't stay away from each other, and at times we walked around the house as if we never saw each other, lost in our thoughts. Lost. Found. Losing. Looking. Finding. And then, suddenly, we went back to our lives...
I know you knew what this felt like, Dad. I know you lost people you loved too. I'm not mad... I never was. I was mad at myself for letting the problems you were having affect me, and not stepping up to show my love. To spend some time with you. And I'm sorry for not answering the phone the few days before it happened. I think you left a message, but like most of the others I deleted them before listening. I hated hurting because you hurt, and I'm sorry... After you left, I called your phone for a while, just to hear your voice-mail. I might have even left a message, but I don't remember.
I know we didn't believe the same things, but if your own beliefs dictate what happens after the life has left your body, then I really hope you're in heaven. I know what that meant to you. And I hope you have the internet up there and that computers are simpler so you can find a way to read this.
It's been a long year, Dad, and I mostly just miss you. I don't grieve so much as I just want to tell you things. Since you left, Mike found a lost love once. Since you left, Erin has matured and been involved in just about every school activity imaginable. We're so proud of her. Since you left, Andrew and Amber got married. It was a great wedding but you probably would have thought Andrew was foolish. We wore kilts, your brother Tim played music at the reception, and I got really drunk and danced on a table. Since you left, your older brother also passed away. Since you left, your younger brother's wife left him. He has struggled so much, but we love him and keep pulling for him. Since you left, I met another girl, Hannah, and wish you could have met her. We moved in together, and I think she's the one. I know she would have made you smile and laugh and be proud of me. Since you left, we took some of your ashes up to Vail mountain. There's a lone pine tree on the back side at Game Creek Bowl. There are some of your ashes buried at the tree. I will meet you there this summer. Since you left, I had a film in the Denver Film Festival, and I wished you could have come. Since you left, Andrew and Amber had another baby boy, Alaka'i Reed Garst. I haven't met him yet, as of today he's only 3 days old. Since you left, you brought all of us closer and our love has grown. So, I hope you saw it all and that I'm telling you old news right now.
I think of you a lot. And I know you were proud of us all and loved us. But I didn't know if you knew it was mutual. But it was. Where ever your spirit may be, I hope it's quiet and relaxing, and just nice.
Your son,
Benjamin
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Gifts Like White Elephants
If the title of the post seems familiar, it's because it refers not only to the short film I made a year ago and also the Ernest Hemingway short story "Hills Like White Elephants" which was adapted for the short film. I bring this project up because it seems to be at the end of it's run. Just as I feel like many more projects are arising for me, almost on a daily basis, I feel like it is extremely important to me to remember this project.
First of all, Gifts Like White Elephants would not have happened if it weren't for Luke Sorge. By far one of the best writers that I've had film classes with, or even that I've ever had the pleasure knowing, Luke wrote this script when I was beginning my sophomore year of film classes. I remember the class he wrote it for and hearing it read aloud and having an unexplainable fascination of the script. It wasn't until the following semester when I had another class with Luke and began to develop a friendship with him. The class was a Director's Workshop where we all had to act and direct. We also had a production class together and wanted to team up for the final project for that class. So, after many meetings in the car ride from the Workshop in Lowry, the script for Gifts was mentioned and I immediately decided that's what we'd do... and of course Luke obliged, though I think he was frightened by my enthusiasm.
I was to direct, so I did many different breakdowns for the actor for the Workshop class, and Luke was one of the main characters, along with Hannah Fergesen, who starred as the girl, Jig. It was a simple script; two characters, one location. And we rounded up a small crew and used my Mom's house to shoot. We only had one day scheduled for shooting, and it was a nine page script. My initial idea was to shoot the entire thing in one continuous shot, but when we were setting up, it became obvious that wouldn't happen. We got the lights set up for that idea though, and went with the same lighting set-up the whole day. That's when things started going wrong.
We started shooting in HD, but the hard drive and computer we were using crashed about 5 minutes into shooting. We were already about a half hour behind because some people were late, and this set us back about another hour and a half. We just sat trying to figure it out, and the longer we did the more anxious I got. Finally, once we were almost 4 hours behind, we decided to put some tapes in and go to two hand-held cameras. The shot list was out the door, and I went from just directing to operating a camera simultaneously. This was what saved the shoot as well as made the film so much fun for me to work on.
We also had a few other snags, like the window being kind of blown out because we had to hide that it was snowing outside when the script takes place on a hot summer day. This also caused us to set up a crazy tarp contraption to protect the lights. All in all, nothing really went as planned, but it allowed the production to be completely organic in how it aided the story. And, we ended up finishing only an hour off schedule, so we made up 3 hours of shooting. We all patted ourselves on the back and enjoyed a big dinner that night.
The film ended up getting praise from my professors for the performances, which were really good even to me. This was a surprise because I had never spent that much time with actors. Directing became a whole new world for me as I watched the actors bring a whole new meaning to the story through their interpretations of my direction. After some debate, I submitted it to the Denver International Film Festival, where it was accepted and premiered. I got even more positive feedback after the screenings there and still have people tell me they saw my film there. At one point, I had to do some interviews and somebody asked me if I had any advice to fellow filmmakers or film students, and what I said was just to 'submit, submit, submit.' You never know where your film will end up and where you might go to follow it. There may be some gratification in posting on youtube or myspace or facebook, but it's much more fulfilling to be in a theatre crowded with people who paid to be there, watching your film projected on a big screen, and getting serious feedback from people who care and appreciate films.
Although I am an advocate for submitting, the few other festivals I've submitted to recently responded, and unfortunately, Gifts didn't get into those festivals. I'm still considering one or two other festivals, but nothing is certain at this point since I've got a full plate. So, if you're reading this and are interested in the film, you can visit http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1365609/ or email me at tikireel@gmail.com for more info. This film was a milestone for me in terms of how I will approach film making as a director in the future and I hope that it is just the beginning of a career of valuable learning experiences through film. Thanks to Hannah and Luke for their hard work and helping me learn the actor's process.
First of all, Gifts Like White Elephants would not have happened if it weren't for Luke Sorge. By far one of the best writers that I've had film classes with, or even that I've ever had the pleasure knowing, Luke wrote this script when I was beginning my sophomore year of film classes. I remember the class he wrote it for and hearing it read aloud and having an unexplainable fascination of the script. It wasn't until the following semester when I had another class with Luke and began to develop a friendship with him. The class was a Director's Workshop where we all had to act and direct. We also had a production class together and wanted to team up for the final project for that class. So, after many meetings in the car ride from the Workshop in Lowry, the script for Gifts was mentioned and I immediately decided that's what we'd do... and of course Luke obliged, though I think he was frightened by my enthusiasm.
I was to direct, so I did many different breakdowns for the actor for the Workshop class, and Luke was one of the main characters, along with Hannah Fergesen, who starred as the girl, Jig. It was a simple script; two characters, one location. And we rounded up a small crew and used my Mom's house to shoot. We only had one day scheduled for shooting, and it was a nine page script. My initial idea was to shoot the entire thing in one continuous shot, but when we were setting up, it became obvious that wouldn't happen. We got the lights set up for that idea though, and went with the same lighting set-up the whole day. That's when things started going wrong.
We started shooting in HD, but the hard drive and computer we were using crashed about 5 minutes into shooting. We were already about a half hour behind because some people were late, and this set us back about another hour and a half. We just sat trying to figure it out, and the longer we did the more anxious I got. Finally, once we were almost 4 hours behind, we decided to put some tapes in and go to two hand-held cameras. The shot list was out the door, and I went from just directing to operating a camera simultaneously. This was what saved the shoot as well as made the film so much fun for me to work on.
We also had a few other snags, like the window being kind of blown out because we had to hide that it was snowing outside when the script takes place on a hot summer day. This also caused us to set up a crazy tarp contraption to protect the lights. All in all, nothing really went as planned, but it allowed the production to be completely organic in how it aided the story. And, we ended up finishing only an hour off schedule, so we made up 3 hours of shooting. We all patted ourselves on the back and enjoyed a big dinner that night.
The film ended up getting praise from my professors for the performances, which were really good even to me. This was a surprise because I had never spent that much time with actors. Directing became a whole new world for me as I watched the actors bring a whole new meaning to the story through their interpretations of my direction. After some debate, I submitted it to the Denver International Film Festival, where it was accepted and premiered. I got even more positive feedback after the screenings there and still have people tell me they saw my film there. At one point, I had to do some interviews and somebody asked me if I had any advice to fellow filmmakers or film students, and what I said was just to 'submit, submit, submit.' You never know where your film will end up and where you might go to follow it. There may be some gratification in posting on youtube or myspace or facebook, but it's much more fulfilling to be in a theatre crowded with people who paid to be there, watching your film projected on a big screen, and getting serious feedback from people who care and appreciate films.
Although I am an advocate for submitting, the few other festivals I've submitted to recently responded, and unfortunately, Gifts didn't get into those festivals. I'm still considering one or two other festivals, but nothing is certain at this point since I've got a full plate. So, if you're reading this and are interested in the film, you can visit http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1365609/ or email me at tikireel@gmail.com for more info. This film was a milestone for me in terms of how I will approach film making as a director in the future and I hope that it is just the beginning of a career of valuable learning experiences through film. Thanks to Hannah and Luke for their hard work and helping me learn the actor's process.
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